Wowwwwwwwza

I haven't updated in awhile, to be honest I forgot that I had a blog. Let me let you in on what just went down.

Okay so if you've read before, my mom got on drugs a couple years ago and it's been a continuous downfall since then. She lives with her 26 y/o "boyfriend" in Taylor,MI in a home that belongs to his dead grandmother. They are squatting pretty much, and pay NO rent or anything. That would be nearly impossible anyway since both of them don't work...yadi yadi...sooo Saturday she calls my sister pleading for help and to bring the police because he's beating the shit out of her! We being the people we are, went on a rampage. We made some phone calls, went to the house and nobody was there. Some "people" not saying any names trashed the house and broke out all the windows...

Okay so me being the worrier I know his license plate number so I call my mother and shes crying and says he's taking her somewhere she doesn't know..I call the police and give them the info...IDIOTS! They call her and ask and she says she's fine and to forget about it and they do...I call again and she doesnt realize she answered and I can hear their convo with her bf in the background telling her he's on her side and we (her fam) want her to go to jail, that we don't love her like he does.

It was sooo weird and crazy and fucked up! I only thought brainwashing happened in movies. I kind of guessed it was going on because my mom was married to my dad for 23 years and he treated her like a queen...now all of a sudden she lets a loser beat on her and lock her family out of her life. I assume he started feeding her gargage when she was really bad on drugs and vulnerable to assholes like him. It's sickening. I never thought this would be my life. That I wouldn't have my mom or my daughter wouldn't have her grandmother. It makes me sad but after praying and putting it in his hands I feel like I can get through this. I can't help but feel like she chose him over us. All I can do is be a better mother to my daughter than she ever was to us.

Suprisingly i'm handling it betterr than I would have a year ago. I think being a mommy myself has made me a stronger person. Thank god for my little girl

long time no type

So I started this blog because I figured it would be a place to vent...now i'm afraid who is going to see it lmao Maybe i've said too much?

Ah foo-ie

I'mma say what I want. Okay sooo, Why do 'visitors' insist on waking up my baby when she is asleep? They see her sleeping peacefully in her swing or bouncer and just HAVE to pick her up. Why. Someone please tell me why. grrrrrrrr It takes me a while to get her to nap during the day so I can get some things done and when I finally do some random person stops by unannounced and disturbs her then when she starts to cry they don't know what to do and hand her right back to me...What the fuck! It pisses me off. Is it NOT obvious by the look on my face that i'm highly annoyed that you came over in the first place?! Now you've waken my child and she's fussy and won't go back to sleep stupid! Oh wait im not done...then you LEAVE 2 mins. later! No thats not how it works..you wake her up you either play with her or occupy her because I have shit to do.

Wooosah! Somebody please help me out here. I'm this close to having a breakdown; whatever that is anyway. What is a breakdown?? Seriously. My baby girl is the only thing keeping me level-headed so it's not her fault at all. It's everyone else that gets under my skin. She sleeps perfectly at night, I couldn't be any luckier. She is up most of the time during the day so I don't have much time for myself let alone basic household duties. Naps are god! So forgive me for wanting to drop kick anyone who ruins that for me.

Yeah to add to my anger I get mail today...I hate mail.
I have to renew my license:$20, renew my tags: $80, parking ticket: $80...so I guess i'll just pull that money out my ass or go rob a liquor store or something. Being broke sucks. Lend me some cash please!? lol My birthday is the 21st...whaddya say?!

I can't believe i'm saying this but I miss my job. I really do. I can't imagine leaving Gabriella yet. I am sacrificing my 21st birthday so I don't have to give her up for just a few hours. I think I have attachment issues? I don't know. It's something. I don't even want to leave her with Josh. Do they have classes for that? Never wanting to leave baby? I'll have to take her with me to those lol I've always laughed at the moms who put leashes on their kids to go to the mall or shop, but now that I look at it...I might be one of them! Oh lord help me


On a totally different note..
BIG LOVE...CHEA BABYYYY! Next Sunday Season 3! Be there or be square

the best gift ever..

Depending on how I look at it,this could have possibly been the best Christmas ever...or the worst. I was perfectly happy with how things turned out. I have my daughter here and that is enough for me. I wasn't expecting to recieve any gifts. Not even from Josh because I couldn't afford to get him anything so we agreed not to gift exchange this year. He got me a few things anyway which secretly made me all gushy and warm inside. I feel bad because I couldn't even repay him with nookie--damn that 6 weeks! Poor Josh lol

The holidays came and went by so fast and now i'm back to my old routine. I sleep when Gabriella sleeps and my day doesn't officially start until 1:00pm. I've watched the first 2 seasons of BIG LOVE on HBO and I was so dissapointed that I finished it too quickly lol I think i'm addicted. If anyone hasn't seen it or heard of it, the show is based on a Polygamist family living in the 'real world' and all the junk they go through. It's funny, racy and something is always going on! I love it! Season 3 starts January 18th and I can't wait. On Demand has become my new best friend =)

exhausted

So i've had like no time to update a thing. I have managed to post some pics of my little angel on myspace and facebook but haven't had the time to just sit and write!

These first 2 weeks of motherhood have been amazing! Tiring but amazing lol I see her grow everyday and it makes me kind of sad. Or is it that everything makes me sad nowadays!? I am a big crybaby. I cried because my diaper genie was crammed and I was too tired to change it =( I cried when Gabriella's eye had a little crust on it lol I cry when she cries! I suspect that this is normal..baby blues perhaps?

I love midnight feedings and diaper changes..weird huh. I love everything about her! Whoops i'm about to cry...when will that part go away?

This week visitors have been scarce [thank god!] I was so sick of seeing people EVERY DAY since she's been born. Especially the unnanounced guests eh hem i.e: in-laws. Nothing annoys me more than MIL. I'm sure everyone can relate to that one so I won't even go into the irritating shit she does. Josh acts like he doesn't know his mom bugs me even though it's written allll over my face everytime she speaks. For example, I had a friend over visiting last week for dinner and cooked only enough for us and he just HAD to invite his parents over and got mad when I told him there wasn't enough food! So obviously I was pissed when they showed up and ATE even after I told her that wasn't much and I had a friend over! Sorry friend no food for you...My friend ended up leaving shortly after they arrived and texted me. I wrote back venting my frustrations and 4 years of aggravation his mom has caused and believe it or not I accidently sent the LOOOONG text to Josh! ahhhhhhhhh did that stir the pot or what! We didn't speak for a couple of days...he was angry by what I said about his mom. It was the truth! I couldn't help it. Of course I used my emotions and cried my way out of it. Blamed it on my poor hormones and the fact that I just gave birth...he believed me lol I sorta believed it too haha

Nonetheless, Christmas will be here in 2 days and it doesn't feel so jolly this year. My daughter has been the best gift imaginable and I have my family...BUT it still doesn't feel whole. I miss my mom tremendously and this will be the first x-mas without her..it makes me sad and it also makes me mad that I'm once again dedicating my feelings to her rather than giving my all to my daughter during this time. She's been in the area a few times and no calls or no visits to her new granddaughter..her ONLY grandaughter. It makes me mad!! I wish it didn't but it does. My dad is going to be sappy and depressed again just like Thanksgiving and it makes it awkward to be around...I wish it was different. I hate it when things change =(

anywho, my babe is fussing so i'll leave you to a few pics. This is after her very first REAL bath in her tub. She looks so relaxed in her cute little robe! I could snap a million pictures of her a day. It's unreal!

induction

"Gabriella will be here tomorrow! YIKES"

So go in to the hospital tomorrow morning at 6.am to get induced. I keep saying that i'm ready but I am totally not! My hands are sweating just thinking of all the pain i'll be in. Forget the fact of seeing the baby for the first time, i'm sooo stressed about impending pain I might not even care she popped out! That's terrible!

I'm also dreading the whole visitors thing. I want peace and quiet and I want to spend alone time with my newborn before the wave of people make their way in. I think Josh will be offended if I tell him to let his family know, my fam already knows. He'll think i'm trying to keep his family out or something. I just don't want to see anybodies face but my daughter especially right after I exploded my vajay to get her out. I'm entitled to peace and quiet right?..RIGHT!?

On top of the first time mom anxiety, I feel like I hit a brain fart. I don't know what to do first! What comes after that!? What happens when you bring her home? How much am I supposed to feed her? Do I HAVE to let people hold her?!

ehh. my mind is all over today--I think i'll sign out for awhile and take a bubble bath to relax my nerves. I'm a wreck at the moment...maybe i'll update later

edit;=========because im up and nervous as shit
I need a chill pill or something. I won't be able to sleep at allll. I'm sure of it. I go in to have her in a matter of hours..yesss hours! no more counting weeks or days. hourss! fan me please....I feel neurotic right now, pacing back and forth. My hands are producing enough sweat to fill a well. I'll be okay I just know it =/

I'll call this my INTRODUCTION...

"blueberry weekday? what the funk is that!?"

I will always remember the day me and my brother snuck into my aunt's house to terrify her with a freddy kreuger mask and a plastic retractable knife...we heard her in the house but wanted to suprise her so we hid in the bathroom.

I stood by the door listening, waiting for our moment to bust out of the door and scare the bujeezus out of her..my brother had the mask on and couldn't hear as well. I thought I heard a mans voice.

oops, she wasn't alone.

after about 10 minutes of listening to her converstation totally not meant for a 13 and14 year old we tried to make an escape. We heard much more than we bargained for and as it got louder in the other room we tried to pry the window open. The window was small so we would have to push and pull eachother out. I lifted it and ended up knocking this cologne over behind me and it broke! I was so sure we were caught after that...but the boots kept-a-knockin and we were safe lol The smell of the cologne took over the small bathroom and made me woozy. I had to sit down for a minute before I puked. My brother picked up the bottle and it read "blueberry weekday". I've heard of Burberry Weekend and I laughed.... I laughed a little louder.... I laughed even louder. Something about the situation and the offbrand cologne was the most hilarious thing everrr. I underestimated just how funny it was and couldn't hold in my pee...yes, I peed on myself which then sent my brother in a loop. We both were cracking the fuxk up! I forgot we were 'hiding' in the bathroom and the fact that we were totally intruding on my aunt and her booty call. The bathroom door swung open and there stood my aunt with nothing but her bra on. My brother who still had on the Freddy mask,tripped backwards into the tub along with the stinky cologne but not before he tossed it into me. (It gave me an excuse for the wet spot on my pants!) I screamed and closed my eyes. I could hear my aunt yell and run into the other room so I darted. I assumed my brother was behind me but I didn't care at that point. I ran home.

I can still remember my dad looking at my horrified face and asked me why I smell like budweiser and wet dog. Before I could answer, my brother came up behind me, Freddy mask in tow and said "I could use a budweiser right about now"lol it was funny coming from a 13 year old.

"It's not beer dad, we just got into a fight with a bottle of blueberry weekday" I told him

"huh!?"

"nevermind".

We never brought that day up to our aunt and neither did she. She guessed our intentions when she saw the Fred Kreugar mask. Two weeks later her house still smelled of that stanky offbrand cologne and it brought back terrible memories...



I guess I chose the name for my personal blog because well... it reminds me of my childhood which is very personal to me. I miss it sooooo much! I grew up too fast. I met the love of my life at 16 and got married at 19. I'm having my first baby at 20. It was too easy back then. I had both of my parents and my family was intact. Now, my mother is living off of cans of spaghettios with a man half her age. She can't afford soap to wash her ass and my dad is in a depression. Totally in a state of dissolution with my mom leaving him and leaving him bankrupt at that with a 12 year girl to take care of. After 23 years of marriage, it's like learning his ABC's all over again. I'm going through one of the most important phases of my life and I don't have my mom to help. Let me elaborate though, I don't have my "old" mom. This new version of her is too hard to deal with. It pains me to see her in such dissaray. This is a woman who loved her kids and would do anything in the world to make them happy...she got hooked on cocaine and possible other hard drugs and left us out to dry. Yes, she just left.

A month goes by....We thought she was dead...Have you ever thought your mother was dead?! Do you know how difficult that was for us to deal with. No phone call, no 'im alive', no I love you i'll be back. Weeks went by and we got a call from jail in June and another call in July...That was it!

It's December now and she's since been out, she lives about 30 minutes away with her 26 year old boyfriend in his moms basement. I'd do anything in this world to get my 'old' mom back. I'd shave my hair and eyebrows off if it meant i'd get her back okay. And boy do I LOVE my hair lol..I tried to regain a new relationship with this new version of her but it's so much pain and dark feelings involved. I can't look at her the same...she isnt the same. She's a habitual liar, a theif, a master manipulator. The drugs ruined her mind. They ruined her life and ours.

With my due date approaching i'm struggling with the fact that she asked me to be in the delivery room and even though i'd want my old mom there it just isn't right! Why should she get to share in this special moment with me and she's done nothing but make this pregnancy terribly sad. She left me when I needed her the most! She left me to take care of my little sister and be a mom to her when I needed a mom my damn self!...The only person who's been a mother to me throughout has been my older sister Erika. If anyone deserves to be there with me it's her.

I can't help but feel like i'm missing out. Like my daughter is getting the short end of the stick because i'm not 'delighted' like I should be. I feel like it's because of my mom and it makes me sooo angry!

Josh has helped me through it but it still isn't the same. Friends don't understand..family tries to understand but we're all dealing with it in our own way and try not to burden eachother with thoughts of this woman who burnt us all in the end.

I have less that 48 hours to make a choice of whether or not to let my mom hold my hand. Its hard. Very hard =(



yes pregnancy has pretty much ruined my social existence. all my non-preggo friends are busy with jobs. yes I said jobs! I quit my very stable position at an ob/gyn because I had a hormonal overload in my first trimester and summed it up to everyone as being 'too sick'. In actuality I just flat out QUIT. I didn't put much thought into it at all...just never went in one day and never bothered to call. I was miserable...Although i'm not 'poor', my shopping sprees have sinced become deceased right along with my soul. I sit at home in pajamas all dayy waiting for my husband to get home so I can bug him with my everyday nothingness.

my daughter will be here in 2 days. 2 freakin days! OMG...I've tried to occupy my time with dusting every crevice in this piece and rearrange her closet only a billion times. Im a nervous wreck. I'm only nervous because of the labor pains i've been dreading since the day I came out of the womb...im scared my vajay will ripped in half and no longer reliable lol I've been asking around to ease my tension but to no avail..

I'm struggling with what type of mom i''ll be. I pray that im nothing like my own...
and with that i'll sign off now. I think thats enough for an extra long introduction.

I'll try to keep up and get a reading base to get me motivated. So stay tuned

Me and my dad...he's the greatest man I know